Bob Goes to Jail by Rob Sedgwick
Author:Rob Sedgwick
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rare Bird Books
Published: 2021-07-06T18:48:39+00:00
21
âIf you go away, itâs going to be a federal situation,â Ron said. He and Warren, my crack legal team, sat with me in the conference room.
âSo if you go away, it wonât be a cakewalk by any stretch, but more likely than not the worst thing that happens in there is boredom. You read, you work out.â
Perhaps I could achieve that Charles Atlas body I had always yearned for.
A polished lizard that had overdone it at the tanning booth, Ron wore a suit of the highest-quality swank and the cut of his cuffs was perfect. His fingers were bejeweled.
âItâs a minimum-security prison, so everyone wants to be there. The shenanigans that happen in a more heavily secured facility are rare to none where youâll be going. If you go away at all.â
When Iâd hung out with Linus at seventeen, elegantly sipping Rhum Barbancourt in his bedroom, heâd spun tales of Hankâs escapades in prison. It sounded so exotic, so colorful.
âIâd love to go to prison just for the experience,â Iâd told Linus. âIt would be unique. Thrilling. Vital for a Renaissance man of my ilk.â
âI donât think itâs a good idea for a man of your ilk,â Linus said.
âFirst you have to get a job,â Ron was saying now.
âCan I bartend?â I knew Moss would hire me immediately.
âNo. Bartenders are notorious for associating with a criminal element.â
âCan I be a waiter?â I had no real experience being a waiter. âWhat about doing movies? I have two movies coming out now. My agent is getting lots of requests from casting agents.â
âYou canât leave the southern district of New York State.â
âSoap operas?
âWhere do they shoot?â
âIn the city.â
âGreat, go get a soap.â
I thought I was done with soap operas, and my heart drooped a little. I was on a roll there and I blew it. But this was more of a maneuver than a professional decision. I kept telling myself that.
âThen you have to have a community service commitment,â said Warren, ever practical.
âWhy do I have to get a community service commitment?â
âIt looks good during sentencing.â
âBut I donât want to get a community service commitment.â
âNo one does. People only do it because they have to or theyâre trying to feel better about themselves. You fall under the category of have to. You see, Rob, we have to do everything we can to show that you have learned from your mistake,â Ron speaks as if heâs talking to a jury, âthat it was merely a youthful indiscretion, and that youâre doing your best to make restitution to society for your misdeed.â
âRestitution?â
âThat means you fucked up and now youâre trying to make nice. You feel bad and know that what you did was horribly wrong.â
âAnd that Iâm ashamed?â
âYes.â
âAnd that Iâve disgraced myself?â
âYes.â
âAnd my family?â
âYes.â
âAnd that I want to make it right?â
âNow youâre getting it.â
â
âGet a job, Uncle Rob,â my nieces and nephews used to sing when I was six years younger and not employed. They were about twenty years younger than me, and even
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